New Year's Hope

Hello anyone who reads this dead blog, Merry New Year 2010!

Unlike most, I'll keep this short cause there is no point in writing so long if no one reads. haha

Every new year, I'd like to think this is a new start and a fresh beginning for me. For me, it means I can leave all of yesterdays bad memories behind me and keep moving forward. But I have to admit,

My life stinks

People notice that I'm emo, and I've been getting even more so lately. There are some things you can see in people's eyes and you just KNOW that something's not right. I guess that's what's been happening to me. And that isn't good, cause I have been known to be one with a terribly huge ego. I would never let anyone know if I'm hurting. I never let people see me cry or sad. I'm the kinda guy that even if people know I'm hurting, I'd say "it's okay, I'll be fine". Then I'd just let things go.

But somehow, I realize my problems never really go away. I simply have just been digging holes and burying them and now I've run out of place to bury them. I've let these things hurt me and rob me of my joy. I appreciate all the people who try and help me out of my hole, but sometimes, I already know the answer. I just refuse to let myself accept it or I'm too hurt to hear other people out.

Some may say that I come across as self centred but I beg to differ. I KNOW for a fact that anyone of my friends with problems often come to me seeking the answer. And I do my utmost best to help them. I KNOW for a fact that I would go out of my way to help my friends. But some times I just feel so dry. Like I'm giving and giving but never receiving.

I'm tired of feeling second best all the time. Tired of seeing my parents PROMOTE my brother to everyone and not speak a word of me. Tired of seeing my friends run off and be happy while I'm alone and sad. Tired of being criticized and just being dumb enough to accept it. I'm known to be one to often fight back and win, but I tried to tone down cause I thought I was being mean. Guess if I'm not mean, someone else will be. I'm tired of always losing - to my parents, my brothers, my friends, my church leaders, my teachers, etc. I'm tired of getting the blame all the time. I'm tired of crying and sleeping my problems away, cause they never go away.

I wanna be happy. Is that too much to ask? Why must I make others happy and be sad myself? I just wanna go out and be myself. I just wish things turned out the way they should.

Then again, maybe it's me. Maybe I've never let anyone help me. But that's cause I've always told myself I'm strong enough to face these kind of things. So far it's worked. But some days, I just wanna wish all my problems away. I think I often take on too much burden when I shouldn't. Like why should I plan any of my friend's outings? not like I'm appreciated, I just get scolded! And if my friends can ask me "eh we doing anything tmrw?" why can't I ask the same thing?

Spiderman says "with great power, comes great responsibility". I some how feel that God forgot to give me the great power and just gave me the great responsibility instead. And yet I'm not one to give up. Yet I still will feel guilty when I don't plan the outings. Still I feel guilty for not pleasing my parents. Still I feel it my responsibility to talk to the new people or to my grandfather. Still I feel the need to give my friends relationship advice. Why?

I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't talk to anyone about my problems. Not that I would anyway.

But in all, I am thankful for trials build character. I know I'm destined for greater than this and I know I'll make it through. The trials will be worth the wait and I will not accept defeat. Though I climb and uphill slope, I won't lose hope. For I can go the distance. I will not let anything change who I am. For I am who I choose to be. And who I become, is a result of the choices I make in life.

On a lighter note, I'm sorry this post became so long. I thoroughly enjoyed 2009 and I look forward to 2010. This is my hope of a new beginning and a new start.

MERRY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

And So It Begins

Let's get this party started.

Chasing Starlights

There's probably no one that reads my blog since I NEVER update but I find that it serves its purpose as my "online journal" for me to write my thoughts and feelings down before I forget. Yes, I don't always update but that's cause I don't have the time or I don't think what I have to write is of very much importance. It's a guy thing I guess, to keep things in.

But, there is something nagging at me I HAVE to write out. And the ironic part is that it's about school. Yes, that boring hell-hole I've spent a million years at as a "prisoner". But honestly, I have this sad, weird, lonely feeling-

I'm gonna really miss school once I leave Form 5.

I was having some conversations with some friends that day after Graduation. It was pretty emo. We were all talking bout how we wont see each other and what not. I guess, the part I'll miss the most is my friends. I mean, its hard enough to get a bunch of 5 people to go out on a saturday for a movie, imagine getting everyone back for a day out? And, we'll all be having different schedules since we don't have our similar timetables of school any more, so lagi worse kan?

The hardest part is that, we now take for granted that we get to see EVERYONE EVERYDAY. But when there's no school, when do we see everyone? Things are gonna be so different once we hit the college life. It's not that I'm worried I'll have no friends in college, I just feel upset I have to leave some of them I've grown so close to over the years. Friends who are basically like family. One BIG BIG family.

I guess I owe everyone a BIG BIG thankYOU for playing a part in my bitter-sweet school life. Each and everyone of my friends have left footprints in my life and if I had not met even ONE of my friends, I might not be the same person. No matter how big, small, deep or shallow the footprint, each and everyone of my friends have left a mark and I truly cherish each one of you guys, you know who you are.

Come to think of it, we've had a lot of fun in school. To the GANG, people like Timo, KJ, Sarah, Ro, Vic, Sam, Peter, Laks, Yinn Yii, Wan Qien, Jason, Josh, etc etc, thank you for being one of my closest closest friends, like one big happy family, for the support when i needed it, for the crazy things we do (e.g. lying down on the floor for a photo) for the racist remarks ( We're actually one of the more racially equal groups in our CINA-fied form and school but that's also cause we're mostly Bananas :P BANANAS UNITE!) , for all the day outs swimming, cycling, shopping and what not, and for just being you guys. Its really been one hell of a ride and we've all had our ups and downs but we pulled through pretty well I must say. I will miss you guys, especially the going-away-to-another-country ones or the going-out-of-state ones. We must MUST hang out before New Year.

To 5B, yes, we're a lil cliquey and we have our own groups and what not, but we still were cool. We had the best class page, we were the only class to perform on Graduation, which by the way, good job to Jason, Aaron, Yi Han and to Timo, you guys were freaking awesome (: We were also the first class to play rugby, remember Wei Xin? and also the first to turn a class into a gambling den, Darryl. We were the class with one of the worst teachers and we had so much fun poking fun at them ( impersonation of Cik Fatima's "Yesssss", etc) It's such a sad ending. After 2 years it felt like we were family already and then now it all comes to an end. My only regret is that we couldn't spend more time together. 5B, I must say I couldn't have asked for a better class.

And to YOU. yes, you whoever you may be, anyone who i might have missed out, friends who I may not see again, thank you (: We tend to take for granted what we have and suddenly when we don't have it any more, it hits us that we should have appreciated it while we still could. I don't want that to happen to me. I've got approximately 2 months till SPM is over. I will WILL appreciate you guys (: I truly am sorry if I ever ever took anyone of you for granted. I don't mean to (:

Writing this, I feel so happy to realize what awesome friends I really have and how thankful to God I have so many friends that are truly AWESOMEPOSSUM. It's a tough wish, but I truly hope that none of us will lose touch, that we will still always be friends. I still remember my looong lost friends who we promised to each other "we'll always be friends" but don't talk to anymore or don't even meet any more. And this was only 5 years ago. But I really hope that this will not happen to us. We spent the best years of our teenage life together, growing up like I said, as Big family. I really hope that the relationships we built throughout the years will last selama-lamanya.

From the depth of my heart, I truly love all of you, and I'll miss everyone and all the fun we had in high school. Now all we need to do is get over with SPM (: we can do it guys! and then, we have our whole lives ahead of us!

P/S: Come to think of it, I'm gonna miss the free entertainment of teachers. we'll have no more weird teachers to laugh at :P

gosh this is so emo